Settling for too little?

A recent article from the Parents magazine website (parents.com) looked promising. I hoped that the article, entitled “Redefining the Family Dinner,” would have some great tips about how families can “celebrate every day,” sharing meals that nourish both body and soul. And some of the tips were good, including the tip: “It doesn't have to be Mom doing it alone” (echoing a tip I posted months ago).

But other tips not only do not seem helpful, they actually seem destructive. The two harmful tips that caught my eye:

“It doesn't have to be every night. Sixty-five percent of families with children under 6 eat dinner together five or more nights a week, but that number drops to 50 percent for families with children 12 to 17. As Dr. Silliman observes, "You get one kid in soccer, another in Scouts, and Mom's in a book club, and that can shoot three or four nights a week right there." The solution? "Eat together as often as you can," says Dr. Silliman, "and make it a pleasant experience." Even one night a week, though not optimal, gives your family an opportunity to connect.”

And:

“It doesn't have to be dinner. Tom Price, coauthor, with his wife, Susan Crites Price, of The Working Parents' Help Book (Peterson's, 1996), suggests variations on the evening meal. "If Dad doesn't get home until 8:00, Mom and the kids can have dessert with him. Or the family meal can be Sunday brunch." Lois Feldman and her husband, Fred Stern, of New York City, often work late, so family dinners are irregular. When their son, Michael, was 8, says Feldman, "we instituted family breakfast. It's amazing how bonding it is, even just 15 minutes a day."

The suggestion that families settle for dinner together one night a week? The statement that “just 15 minutes a day” together is sufficient? These two tips actually contradict earlier statements in the article:

“Experts confirm that sharing regular meals as a family brings a banquet of benefits. Ben Silliman, Ph.D., a family-life specialist at the University of Wyoming's Cooperative Extension Service, says, "Children of all ages need to know that parents are accessible to them. One of the big messages that family dinner sends is 'You're important enough for me to spend this time with you.' "

"Mealtime is often the only time in the whole day when everybody's in the same room having a conversation," says William Doherty, Ph.D., author of The Intentional Family (Addison Wesley Longman, 1997), "so it's where the family's culture gets created." Even more impressive is the research suggesting that regular family meals can sharpen a child's intellect. Diane Beals, Ed.D., of the University of Tulsa, and Patton Tabors, Ed.D., of Harvard, studied 80 preschoolers and found that mealtime conversation built vocabulary even more effectively than listening to stories or reading aloud. And because gathering for a family meal is an inherently communal exercise, it naturally gives rise to basic courtesies, like saying "Please" and "Thank you," and keeping your mouth (mostly) shut when you chew.”

Yes, I know it can be challenging to eat dinner together as a family every night. Our family is in the midst of one of a challenging week: last night, Kathleen had a work commitment, so Peter and I had dinner together without her. Tonight, Kathleen and I have a commitment, so Peter will have dinner with his grandparents. But if everyday celebrations are important, particularly for families with children, then it is important to keep such challenging schedule conflicts to a minimum.

Keep on the look out for more tips about how to make everyday celebrations happen. And if you have a tip, please share it!